Lessons of Love #4

It’s not what you said but how you said it…

Have you reached that point in your relationship where you and your partner find yourselves telling each other everything that you hate about each other? I know that I’ve certainly been there before and I began to wonder why a person who hates so many things about me would want to be with me. Telling your partner how much you hate it when they do something will do two things. First it will make you resent one another for being so negative and secondly it will start a chain reaction of telling each other all of the things that you hate about them. Plus, whatever it is that you want your partner to stop doing won’t happen because their already upset and likely not listening. This doesn’t mean that you can’t tell each other what you don’t like but it does mean that you have to communicate with each other better.

Let’s say that your partner is disorganized and constantly leaves their clothes on the floor. This frustrates the living guts out of you and you want them to stop leaving the floor a mess. Instead of telling them how much you despise it when they leave their clothes on the floor, it is much more effective to tell them that you would truly appreciate it if they would pick up their clothes. You can say something like, “John, I would really appreciate it if you could put your clothes away. I like having my floor clean and if you did that it would really make me happy.” Just by changing your words around, you avoid insulting your partner, avoid making them resent you and you still communicated your dislike of their actions.

It seems like a small thing now, but in the long run, you will both be much happier. I remember when my girlfriend and I were telling each other how much we hated things about the other feeling so upset all of the time. When we finally started changing the way that we addressed issues with each other it was like we were in a totally different relationship. I never listened to her when she said that she hated something because hearing those words made me angry from the second they were uttered and vice-a-versa. But now when she tells me that she would like it if I would do something for her because it is important to her I listen and try to make her happy.

Choosing the right words to say is a powerful tool in a relationship. If you could get to the point where you no longer tell each other how much you hate things then you will find how little you hate anything anymore. I hope that this advice helps someone out there who feels stuck in their relationship and is starting to doubt whether or not to stay in it. I would love to hear back from you guys on your relationship struggles and achievements. Did you encounter this problem and were you able to fix it? Let me know what you think and thanks for stopping by.

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